My Daughter Is Dating a Jerk

What can a mother do to detour her daughter from remaining with a jerk of a boyfriend?

A radical father by the name of posted signs throughout a local college stating that he would pay $3,000 if someone would kill his 19-year-old daughter’s 33-year-old boyfriend. Now these actions are of great extreme. Honestly what do you do when your daughter is dating the wrong guy?

Most of us can remember when we were in love and a teenager. That old fling is probably on Facebook right now making his wife’s life miserable. But when you were a teenager, this guy could do no wrong. Things seemed perfect and there was no one in this world, not even mom or dad, who was going to break up the best thing that ever happened to you. And all along your parents knew this guy was a complete jerk.   

At the time most of us did not realize that this really cute boy didn't know how to treat us nor did he have a future, but we were so blinded by "love" that none of that mattered.  

Knowing that this guy was a complete jerk, your parents probably did either one of two things…

#1 Say nothing and hope that you figure it out that he’s a jerk on your own or         #2 Pushed you to leave him, which caused you to want him even more

Option #1, usually works. That's what I've heard even from my own mother. My mom told me a long time ago that if she had said something I would have just did everything to do the exact opposite of what she wanted. Which is probably true.  

Option #2, has lead many to end up marrying the jerk and later divorcing him. So be careful with this option if you choose this route.

Teenage daughters can become your best friend or a complete nightmare, but either way she’s still your daughter. And no mother wants to see their child get hurt or be led down the wrong path by some boy. So what does a mother do when her teenage daughter falls in love with someone who is completely wrong for her?

Katha Blackwell March 30, 2011 at 05:01 PM
Has your daughter ever dated a jerk?
Katha Blackwell March 30, 2011 at 05:19 PM
My daughter is far from dating at the moment, but if she was dating a jerk. I believe I would use some reflective listening techniques to get her to realize that he is just not right for her. Now her father on the other hand would shut the studio down before she can even make a decision.
Rebecca Stafford March 30, 2011 at 06:59 PM
We are not quite there yet so I can't honestly say what I will do, but I know I would probably go off on someone, lol!
My daughter is too young too;however, I'd probably try to take her around guys who I feel would make a better match for her and try to keep her as far away from the other guy, maybe by keeping her in some type of activity. I would try to make her too busy and then off to college she goes....lol Oh, and her father would nip that in the bud. It would be an all at war at our house. I already feel sorry for her now. He says she can't date until she's out of high school...yeah right;however, he's quite serious..mean face serious..smh..he's in for a rude awakening
Jennifer March 31, 2011 at 05:40 PM
Yes, my fourteen year old daughter has a boyfriend and yes, he is a jerk. Are there any teenage boys that age that aren't jerks? I think their crazy hormones are running the show. My daughter knows this. I wish she would just forget about boys and focus on her school work! I have heard that if I forbid her to have a boyfriend she will probably have one behind my back anyway. I've tried to approach it this way: If you are going to have a boyfriend you are going to do this the right way. I would like to meet him, and your father will meet him(dad and I are not together, he has visitation). We will take you places for dates, such as the movies or mall, etc. I've gotten nowhere with that. I still have yet to meet him or his mother. My daughter has been "dating" him for almost two months. She doesn't know anything about him; his family, friendships, or even his birthday. She told me she has kissed him. I don't see where they find the privacy for that at school! She has cried over him and forgiven him... for accusing her of cheating; for him flirting with other girls...I wish she would dump him. I told her as much. I guess she has to learn on her own, but what can I do to help her respect herself enough to not DO anything? She's only 14!!!
Katha Blackwell April 02, 2011 at 06:01 AM
You could take the subliminal message approach...For example, you could have a girls night in with just you and her watching "love story" movies. You could make little comments throughout the movie regarding how the couple is interacting with each other. This will at least give you an opportunity to see how she thinks a relationship will go. Maybe this will lead to a discussion of how women should be treated by someone that's suppose to love them. Even though she's just 14 in a few more years she'll be at prom and later in college. The training ground is while you have them within the home. It's a BIG plus that you are observant of what's going on...Keep up the good work!
Teresa April 02, 2011 at 12:24 PM
Unfortunately, I see the results of young girls getting involved with a boy or man every day. Before they see him for what he usually is "an opportunist" or isn't "a responsible young man" they end up pregnant. Girls as young as 14 have no business being involved with a boy at all. They are to young to make good choices about intimate relationships and they absolutely do not have the maturity to handle adult relationship issues without help. They think they do but they don't. As a parent it is your responsibility to set clear boundaries about what is acceptable for them and what is not. Yes their friends are all involved with some boy and they love the drama of it all but that is other parents' problem. My 3rd grader has come home telling me that her friend said you had to dress a certain way to get a boy's attention. She has come home talking about who has a crush on who in her class. I just found out about a dating/kissing game they are playing on the playground and at lunch, (where are the adults). She is totally fascinated with ICarly and similar TV shows that are inappropriate. To many parents are not willing to be tough with boundaries, they don't want to alienate their children. Oh my goodness, if you don't then who will? Those TV shows are off limits, the school gets informed, and discussions are held every time it needs to be even if she rolls her eyes. Keep your daughters busy, your eyes open and the boundaries set. Be a parent it's your job.
Mom June 21, 2012 at 12:32 PM
My daughter is no longer a teenager and in fact has a child and is with someone she has known for a very long time and has known for a very long time how we feel about him. He has never been faithful to any one he has been with which includes some of her friends.He is a chronic liar and has used his parents for money instead of working himself.He is manipulative and I have seen some serious changes in my daughters personality. Worried to the point of telling him exactly what I think of him probably hasnt helped at all. My only hope was too knock him off his pedastal. Any suggestions would be helpful.I know she is settling for him and can do much better although I am sure he has convinced her otherwise.
Katha Blackwell June 21, 2012 at 02:19 PM
Hi Mom, It sounds like your daughter's boyfriend has the characteristics of an abuser. I use to provide counseling to abused women and children. There are only two things you can do: the first one is pray for your daughter to see she deserves better. Second, continue to show her love. In other words, show her how she should be treated and always be a listening ear to her. It's difficult to stand by and watch your daughter date an idiot of a man, however when she is ready to leave that relationship she will. If she brings him up while you all are together use reflective listening. This will help her come to her own conclusion about him without someone having to tell her that he is not the one. Last but not least, try to see her point of view. Most mothers hope to stay in a relationship with the father of their child even if he is a jerk. The thought of being a single mother may impact her decision to leave him. Try to help her find some single moms who are doing just fine by themselves. Meetup.com is a great site to check-out for finding moms who are having fun and building healthy friendships. Hope this helps!
Mom June 21, 2012 at 03:50 PM
Thankyou but just to clarify the child is of another relationship not this persons child.She was a single Mom for two years and had a lot of family support even from the Fathers family.In truth we supported her financially so she wouldnt end up in this situation but has anyway.My INTUITION will not let me accept this and I have heard enough that I am also not afraid of physical abuse but definately emotional. My husband is ready to welcome him into our home so we dont lose our daughter and granddaughter which in turn is causing problems between us.I have confided in a good friend who knows him as well and she says your the Mom follow yout instinct.I might also add that any Mom that knows him does not like him.We have always had a loving home and in the past had a very close relationship.
Katha Blackwell June 21, 2012 at 05:48 PM
Then follow your intuition. And be prepared for the outcomes that may come by bringing this man into your home.
Katha Blackwell June 21, 2012 at 05:55 PM
Let me rephrase my last statement and ask you a question. What is your intuition telling you to do?
Mom June 22, 2012 at 02:48 PM
My intuition is telling me one thing to not accept this relationship and to not welcome him into our home for fear it will last even longer.Our hands are tied since she is 25 although at this time seems to be acting more like a teenager. She also has her own home so its not like I can forbid her to see him.
Amy Erceg May 22, 2013 at 12:55 PM
My fourteen year old step,daughter is dating a jerk. had sex already. Reckons she is going to marry him. I try to talk to my husband about it., but he thinks if he forbid her seeing him she will run. Maybe but do we encourage it. The boy is 16 this year, was living with an aunt, didn't like his uncle. his mum and dad have split and don't see him much. He now lives with at mates house, somewhere that my husband doesn't know wher she is and she still is allowed to go to his house unsupervised after school, weekends. what do you do? I love my husband.His daughter has come to live with us, now a couple years. she is a gentle person who is really with wrong guy. he is flunking school, no where to go. I also worry about my children and my daughter who is 13. though she says she would never go that way she is and no one at their school approves what is happening. my step,daughter thinks we just not understand and are making things hard for her. maybe but its only because we care and see her making a huge mistake. My husband is concerned too and just hoping she moves on. ot. NOT a Good situation for all. Egg shells everywhere.
Katha Blackwell May 22, 2013 at 01:25 PM
Hi Amy, This is a complicated situation. On one hand you want to tell your step-daughter that this guy is not right for her and on the other hand your husband pointed out that if you all push her she'll run. Both of you make a good point. With this situation the love from a parent can greatly impact a bad relationship. Make sure your home is a loving place for your step-daughter any friction at home will cause her to want him more. This doesn't mean she gets to rule the house. By all means set boundaries and give rules, however setup opportunities for fun within your home for both of them. It's apparent that he needs some form of stability in his own life and maybe you and your husband are the example he needs in his life. Take the two of them out and talk with them. Get into their head and listen to what's in their heads. Maybe even your husband can take him out for a game or a local event. Don't give up hope all is not lost


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