MomsTalk: A Husband and a Boyfriend

Some married women are now openly dating outside of their marriage... is this the way to go or a setup for disaster?

I was watching Braxton Family Values, a new reality show which takes place mostly in Metro Atlanta, and was amazed to hear one of the Braxton sisters say that she and her husband date other people. This isn't the first time I have heard a wife say this, but it still sounds ridiculous to me. When did it become okay to be married and have a boyfriend on the side? This makes absolutely no sense to me. Marriage is supposed to be the union of two people who are committed to each other. And regardless as to what may happen, the two have vowed to love, honor and cherish until death. But nowadays that union of trust entails a third person.

For some women, this third person is a secret and for others, their husbands knows that he exists. What kind of a relationship is that? A healthy marriage is not one that is filled with third parties. Some women might say boyfriends are okay as long as their husbands don't mind. To statements like that, I completely disagree. Just because your husband says dating another man is okay doesn't make it right. Just imagine what it would be like for your husband to have a girlfriend. Next thing you know, you all are double dating. This is adultry regardless as to what anyone says.

It baffles me at how married women can sit there and say, “It's okay to date other men... it's not like we're having sex or anything.” That's ridiculous. For women, intimacy goes beyond sex. Subtle kisses, hugs, cuddling under a blanket or genuine conversation can trump sex. Although these things are needed, and over time married couples can become dull, both parties must push to rekindle the essentials of marriage. When obstacles come in a marriage, both parties have to fight for what's right. Both parties have to compromise, and not in a way that allows a boyfriend or a girlfriend in the picture.

Marriage is not for the weak at heart. It's for those who are smart enough to recognize when things are getting bad and mature enough to make changes. Third parties will simply complicate things. I've heard people say, "We just don't want to get a divorce. We'd rather date other people." When you think about it you already are divorced, you just haven't paid the legal fees to get that piece of paper.

So either be married or don't get married at all. And if you have kids there goes your third party and they are the only third party that should be present. If your marriage has been going through anything like this, I highly recommend reading the Love Dare book.

Michael December 20, 2012 at 08:27 AM
I believe that if the husband knows about it and both are happy and satisfied with the arrangement, a woman can "have her cake and eat it too". The problem occurs when there is sneaking about and dishonesty. Obviously, if the husband doesn't approve then there will be problems if she is with another man, but there are a lot of men and women finding the cuckold/ hot wife dynamic to be exciting and satisfying once they open their mind to it. Women are due their time in the sun now, since they are becoming more educated and financialy independent than men are in many cases. Times have changed drastically since the "Father Knows Best" days...
lostinthought March 09, 2013 at 05:00 AM
I am in this situation. My husband is aware of my boyfriend, and while not "okay" with it, he understands that sexually I need more than he can offer. He is the perfect match for me intellectually and emotionally, but I have sexual desires that he cannot meet, simply because of the level of emotion and trust I have with him. I sometimes need to have super rough sex that is devoid of emotion. I have skeletons in my closet from childhood that he is aware of, and these skeletons contribute to my sexual desires. Since I have so much emotion wrapped up in our relationship, my husband absolutely cannot meet all of my sexual needs. My "boyfriend" and I do not have the emotional ties and daily stresses when we're together as when we are with our spouses. My daughter has no clue about my boyfriend, and his wife and kids do not know about our relationship. I would rather be honest with my husband about the situation than lie to him. I am just truly blessed that he is understanding enough to know I love him with all my heart but just need that little bit extra sexually that he cannot provide. I am in counseling to try and sort all of this out. I hope someday I will not feel the need to have this extra relationship on the side. But for now, it's what works for us and believe it or not, a lot of good has come from the situation. We've both come to terms with our own roles in the whole situation, and even he will tell you that our marriage is stronger now than it was before.
Dave Ballard March 09, 2013 at 12:34 PM
As I believe relationships like this are highly personal, lostinthought, I am only going to say this about your situation: I think the key to everything you said was the phrase "sexual needs." Honestly, I feel like too many people over-think (and over-hype) the attainment of sexual partners and gratification. Physiologically, you will not die if you never again have sex (let alone sexual "satisfaction") so technically sex is a "want," not a "need." (Yes, I am a fully functional, anatomically correct male of the species. Breath-taking, I know.) I'm no expert, I don't know you from Eve, I'm just offering food for thought. But it sounds like, if you have a "want" which you literally cannot control, then what you actually have is an "addiction," or a "compulsion" - a topic I'm sure your counseling has covered. I do have to say that your husband must be awfully tolerant to accept the situation as-is. I am NOT trying to suggest that you simply have a case of desire(s) which you have chosen not to control because it feels good or something, and quitting is difficult. But personally, just me, no one else? I have to admit that I would not last long emotionally in that relationship. I hope your counseling works out for you, and that you all eventually end up in a healthier place.
Cassie lee March 13, 2013 at 07:46 PM
But think about how many marriages divorce because one spouse is tired of being with the other one. I think the side peices are a good way of getting a break from your spouse, heck my side boyfriend helped me realize how much I care about my husband compared to him. As long as this isn't going on throughout the marriage & isn't hurting either spouse then its ok
Katha Blackwell March 13, 2013 at 07:54 PM
Every decision that is made can't be based on what feels good. This kind of lifestyle is foolish. Just think about the countless pedophiles who feel like touching children or those who feel like having sex with animals....You have to gain self-control over yourself and your emotions. Just because it feels "good" doesn't make it right. Maturity is the key...time to grow up. Lostinthought, keep going to counseling. I believe you know cheating on your husband is wrong otherwise you wouldn't be going to counseling. I hope you heal from the past abuse you have endured, so it will no longer have a hold of you.


More »
Got a question? Something on your mind? Talk to your community, directly.
Note Article
Just a short thought to get the word out quickly about anything in your neighborhood.
Share something with your neighbors.What's on your mind?What's on your mind?Make an announcement, speak your mind, or sell somethingPost something
See more »