I am dealing with a lot of grief that has been masked by anger over the last several months. I miss my sister terribly, and I'm finally dealing with the truth that she is never coming back. I know how stupid that sounds, but I live in my own movie and for me if I reached the resolution scene, somehow everything would feel okay again. The reality is that it will never be okay, because she is dead. My world is changed forever. The key is that I have to find a way to let the joy back in, even without her.
I have done a pretty decent job of that, if I do say so myself, but some days are harder than others. The horrible truth that I am wrestling with lately, and have been all along, is that I was the only one that could have helped her, and I wasn't strong enough. I knew three years prior that her life was in danger, and all I could think to do was to try and convince her that she was in an abusive relationship and that she needed to get out of it. I faxed literature on emotional abuse to her office - the one place I thought he might not be watching. He lured her back in with the typical abuser's dance: when all else fails, and you've pushed your victim too far, play the victim yourself. Cry and beg for forgiveness.
The problem is, it's not sincere. They are always sorry - they are sorry that someone might find out what they've done. They aren't sorry that they caused pain. They are incapable of feeling anything but anger. Their victims are just problems to be dealt with - nothing more. All the while they are putting on their oscar-worthy performances, they are plotting how to best keep you under control - how to keep you on a shorter leash next time - how to keep you from escaping their grasp.
I wish I had better researched resources for battered women to give to my sister. If I had known about the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit and sent it to her, she would still be alive. If you or anyone you love is in an abusive relationship, send her to DocumentTheAbuse.com ; it will safe her life.