MomsTalk: A Husband and a Boyfriend
Some married women are now openly dating outside of their marriage... is this the way to go or a setup for disaster?
I was watching Braxton Family Values, a new reality show which takes place mostly in Metro Atlanta, and was amazed to hear one of the Braxton sisters say that she and her husband date other people. This isn't the first time I have heard a wife say this, but it still sounds ridiculous to me. When did it become okay to be married and have a boyfriend on the side? This makes absolutely no sense to me. Marriage is supposed to be the union of two people who are committed to each other. And regardless as to what may happen, the two have vowed to love, honor and cherish until death. But nowadays that union of trust entails a third person.
For some women, this third person is a secret and for others, their husbands knows that he exists. What kind of a relationship is that? A healthy marriage is not one that is filled with third parties. Some women might say boyfriends are okay as long as their husbands don't mind. To statements like that, I completely disagree. Just because your husband says dating another man is okay doesn't make it right. Just imagine what it would be like for your husband to have a girlfriend. Next thing you know, you all are double dating. This is adultry regardless as to what anyone says.
It baffles me at how married women can sit there and say, “It's okay to date other men... it's not like we're having sex or anything.” That's ridiculous. For women, intimacy goes beyond sex. Subtle kisses, hugs, cuddling under a blanket or genuine conversation can trump sex. Although these things are needed, and over time married couples can become dull, both parties must push to rekindle the essentials of marriage. When obstacles come in a marriage, both parties have to fight for what's right. Both parties have to compromise, and not in a way that allows a boyfriend or a girlfriend in the picture.
Marriage is not for the weak at heart. It's for those who are smart enough to recognize when things are getting bad and mature enough to make changes. Third parties will simply complicate things. I've heard people say, "We just don't want to get a divorce. We'd rather date other people." When you think about it you already are divorced, you just haven't paid the legal fees to get that piece of paper.
So either be married or don't get married at all. And if you have kids there goes your third party and they are the only third party that should be present. If your marriage has been going through anything like this, I highly recommend reading the Love Dare book.
Katha Blackwell
4:41 pm on Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Do you think it's okay to be married and date other people?
Amberr Meadows
4:47 pm on Wednesday, May 18, 2011
It is absolutely not okay. It would be confusing for kids, and that's just the least of what's wrong with the scenario.
Katha Blackwell
12:37 am on Thursday, May 19, 2011
Confusing for the kids is right...Just imagine mommy having date night while daddy is babysitting the kids... Hot Mess!
Kelley
8:12 pm on Wednesday, May 18, 2011
It is not ok and as you said Katha, Marriage is a union of two people. God did not make the ten commandments stating: Thou shalt not commit adultary and then put an asterick that says: UNLESS BOTH THE HUSBAND AND WIFE AGREE OTHERWISE. IF they wanted to date other people then they should have not gotten married, you date other people when you are looking to marry. UGH this world is crazy. I do not judge so it eachs it own just thought that I give my two cents.
Katha Blackwell
12:40 am on Thursday, May 19, 2011
You said it! I'm sure there are plenty of hurt women in the world and their feelings are valid, but the line has to be drawn somewhere.
Tracey
12:03 am on Thursday, May 19, 2011
Wow I was planning on watching this program and haven't gotten around to it. It sounds like I'm not missing much. That is absolutely absurd to be MARRIED and have a boyfriend whether your spouse agrees or not. I agree with the article and other comments, you shouldn't have gotten married. This type of situation is not what marriage is about.
Katha Blackwell
12:49 am on Thursday, May 19, 2011
The show is actually very entertaining! I watch it faithfully. I even DVR it. The situation with one of the sisters came up during a confession taping. It further amazed me how easily she said it as if this is the norm now. I heard a couple wives say the same thing and they too said it very casually as if nothing is wrong with it. Different strokes for different folks.
Tonya Grace
6:18 pm on Friday, May 20, 2011
I agree katha, a healthy marriage I don't think is filled with third parties. I believe it spells out the true meaning of "dysfunctional family" when this type of dealing is being passed off as okay. Now this would call for "sticking your nose in" not sure if it would help though. They seem too far gone. I doubt if the parties involved ever loved each other mutually.
Davan S. Mani
9:01 am on Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Its very un-American for a married woman not to have relationships. Very Taliban.
name for the patch
9:51 pm on Saturday, October 20, 2012
bullshit! of course can one be in a marriage and have a boyfriend and date other people. union between two people? how about a "marriage between this company and that company"? there are more involoved then just 2. Yes.
Katha Blackwell
9:00 am on Sunday, October 21, 2012
Dear name for the patch, Thank you for taking the time to comment, however what do you mean a marriage between this company and that company. Please elaborate.
Michael
3:27 am on Thursday, December 20, 2012
I believe that if the husband knows about it and both are happy and satisfied with the arrangement, a woman can "have her cake and eat it too". The problem occurs when there is sneaking about and dishonesty. Obviously, if the husband doesn't approve then there will be problems if she is with another man, but there are a lot of men and women finding the cuckold/ hot wife dynamic to be exciting and satisfying once they open their mind to it. Women are due their time in the sun now, since they are becoming more educated and financialy independent than men are in many cases. Times have changed drastically since the "Father Knows Best" days...
lostinthought
12:00 am on Saturday, March 9, 2013
I am in this situation. My husband is aware of my boyfriend, and while not "okay" with it, he understands that sexually I need more than he can offer. He is the perfect match for me intellectually and emotionally, but I have sexual desires that he cannot meet, simply because of the level of emotion and trust I have with him. I sometimes need to have super rough sex that is devoid of emotion. I have skeletons in my closet from childhood that he is aware of, and these skeletons contribute to my sexual desires. Since I have so much emotion wrapped up in our relationship, my husband absolutely cannot meet all of my sexual needs. My "boyfriend" and I do not have the emotional ties and daily stresses when we're together as when we are with our spouses. My daughter has no clue about my boyfriend, and his wife and kids do not know about our relationship. I would rather be honest with my husband about the situation than lie to him. I am just truly blessed that he is understanding enough to know I love him with all my heart but just need that little bit extra sexually that he cannot provide. I am in counseling to try and sort all of this out. I hope someday I will not feel the need to have this extra relationship on the side. But for now, it's what works for us and believe it or not, a lot of good has come from the situation. We've both come to terms with our own roles in the whole situation, and even he will tell you that our marriage is stronger now than it was before.
Dave Ballard
7:34 am on Saturday, March 9, 2013
As I believe relationships like this are highly personal, lostinthought, I am only going to say this about your situation:
I think the key to everything you said was the phrase "sexual needs." Honestly, I feel like too many people over-think (and over-hype) the attainment of sexual partners and gratification. Physiologically, you will not die if you never again have sex (let alone sexual "satisfaction") so technically sex is a "want," not a "need." (Yes, I am a fully functional, anatomically correct male of the species. Breath-taking, I know.)
I'm no expert, I don't know you from Eve, I'm just offering food for thought. But it sounds like, if you have a "want" which you literally cannot control, then what you actually have is an "addiction," or a "compulsion" - a topic I'm sure your counseling has covered.
I do have to say that your husband must be awfully tolerant to accept the situation as-is. I am NOT trying to suggest that you simply have a case of desire(s) which you have chosen not to control because it feels good or something, and quitting is difficult. But personally, just me, no one else? I have to admit that I would not last long emotionally in that relationship.
I hope your counseling works out for you, and that you all eventually end up in a healthier place.
Cassie lee
3:46 pm on Wednesday, March 13, 2013
But think about how many marriages divorce because one spouse is tired of being with the other one. I think the side peices are a good way of getting a break from your spouse, heck my side boyfriend helped me realize how much I care about my husband compared to him. As long as this isn't going on throughout the marriage & isn't hurting either spouse then its ok
Katha Blackwell
3:54 pm on Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Every decision that is made can't be based on what feels good. This kind of lifestyle is foolish. Just think about the countless pedophiles who feel like touching children or those who feel like having sex with animals....You have to gain self-control over yourself and your emotions. Just because it feels "good" doesn't make it right. Maturity is the key...time to grow up. Lostinthought, keep going to counseling. I believe you know cheating on your husband is wrong otherwise you wouldn't be going to counseling. I hope you heal from the past abuse you have endured, so it will no longer have a hold of you.